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Interview With The Hoe Queens

Another destructive personality hidden behind a false grin and more bull.

I had the opportunity to interview Ms. Aguilera while she was filming her 3rd video, 'I turn to you'.

Me: Thank you for having me here.
Christina: Well, you know I do what I can. *Giggle*
Me: So what is this video going to be about?
C: You know, lots of stuff. *fiddles with hair*
Me: Okay. Well what is the intended main message in the video?
C: Um, like, whatever my director says. I don't really know.
Me: But you are almost done filming it, right?
C: We would be, if you'd go away and let me finish.
Me: Ew! (Bitch)
C: All I know is there's some big round microphone thingie and I'm lip synching ... I mean I'm singing into it.
Me: Right... Well anyways, you do realize that your song sounds very similar to one from the 80's...
C: What? That long ago? I'm not that old! How should I remember something when I wasn't born yet?
Me: Okay Christina whatever. So um... how do you feel about Eminem.
C: Oh, he's so cute I love him!
Me: You do realize he's married...
C: What? The bastard! I'll kill his wife so he can have me!
Me: Okay, that's nice. Just lay off, Christina. So, I hear you're thinking of making a Spanish Album.
C: Like, yeah! *twirls hair around finger*
Me: But your mother's Irish and you haven't seen your father since you were six, so what connection do you feel to being Hispanic?
C: My name, duh.
Me: Yes well you dye your hair bleach blonde and wear blue contacts so that doesn't make you look too hispanic.
C: Yeah, but the layers of slutty make-up do!
Me: You said it best. Um... nice shirt.
C: Thanks. It's my favorite.
Me: It says "Porn Star" on it.
C: Yeah I know. I hang out at the Playboy Mansion every weekend. It's my future carear for when I retire.
Me: Hmm. Do you think you could retire now?
C: I would, but I haven't finished my quest yet for world domination. Sorry and all.

I also had a chance to interview Britney (oh joy) on the set of her video, 'Oops I Did It Again'.

Me: Hello Britney.
Britney (jerking her head and looking very suspicious): You didn't just talk to that brat Christina did you? If you did, you'll have to take a shower before you can talk to me. That copying bitch has cooties!
Me: Okay you may want to take your own advice on the shower thing. And no, I talked to Christina a few days ago. Don't worry.
B: Okay, go on then.
Me: So, Brit - may I call you Brit? - what is this video going to be about.
B: Oh, you know, stuff...
Me: Hey, that's exactly what Christina sa...
Me: Okay, sorry sorry. Back to you (sheesh). So anyways, what will you be wearing in the video?
B: What I'm wearing right now.
Me: God, I hope your kidding.
B: Nope. I love red vinyl jumpsuits. Especially tight ones.
Me: Okay. Will the hair extentions also be part of it?
B: Well, like, yeah! If you would watch the 'Making the Video' of it you'd like know! I directly refer to them!
Me: Um, you do realize people may actually watch that. It's going on something called Tel-e-vis-ion.
B: Oh my god! You mean that thing I used to watch at home! Oh no! Now everyone will know about my hair extentions and my boob job...
Me: ???
B: Oopz, I don't think I was supposed to say that last part. Is this going on TV too?
Me: No, Brit. Just a website.
B: Oh good.
Me: People look at those too, Brit.
B: Oh crap.
Me: Okay well it's been nice talking to you I'll watch your video when it comes out.
B: Oh crap.
Me: Well okay I guess I'll go now.
B: Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap.
Me: Geeze, I guess her batteries are giving out, she's stuck. Maybe I can find a nice box to put her in...

*These interviews have not actually taken place, although I'm sure the replies would have been the same. As if you weren't intelligent enough to figure it out yet...